At this point having absorbed so much media, including media depicting romance, I have become keenly aware of a great lack of understanding about what is romance. I see quite often MANY profiles on various social media where the individual in question professes their desire for genuine love. Usually it sounds something like the following:
What I find, is that these individuals conflate fantasy with romance … which are two different things entirely.
The real purpose of fantasy is to meet our needs via external agents (i.e. something or someone). For example the orphaned child fantasizes about the benevolent parent who will come and “save them” from their dire circumstance. It is meant to “comfort” us, a type of “coping” mechanism if you will: the young woman, seeking escape from her circumstance (her uneventful, miserable reality) dreams of the “knight in shining armor” or “prince charming” coming to take her away from all her misery.
Fantasy can even help us to connect with ourselves. We fantasize about WHO we could be or WHAT we might do, because again this is about trying to meet our needs (i.e. our need to realize our self, to become who we are meant to be). But fantasy should never extend beyond the inner world, it is not meant to be anything other than a tool for our inner world.
So then what is Romance? Simply put, it’s commitment. I would argue that Romance is the OPPOSITE of fantasy. Whereas fantasy is easy romance is hard, where fantasy is about your needs romance is about collaboration (it’s about giving not getting). Ironically the only role I see that fantasy plays in romance is again to help us understand what our ideal match (be they masculine or feminine) looks like.
But romance is, in reality, not a fantasy at all. It is about hard work, commitment, sacrifice, and belief. Romance is not about filling your needs (like fantasy is), instead it is about working together with another person in a committed relationship. No one in this relationship is above the other, they are a TEAM a single unit a family.
As an example here are some movie lines that are actually romantic:
In both of these movies, the masculine love interest is an obviously flawed individual, prone to all manner of quirks, and rude/difficult/stubborn behaviors. But both these individuals, over the course of the movie come to recognize the worth of their feminine love interest counterpart. Their relationship, while at first volatile and even antagonistic, slowly becomes more collaborative and intimate as both individuals become closer. What makes this process romantic, is not the fantasy of a “perfect” love interest (someone who requires nothing from you, and has no flaws or imperfections), but rather the commitment that results from both parties giving to the relationship.
And it is in fact this word giving that is so key to what is the nature of romance: two parties willing to commit to give 100% to each other, to the relationship, to their growing family. THAT is what romance is truly about.
The truth is it’s very easy to fantasize, and to even seek out fantasies (which is what most people do when they think about finding a “relationship”). But it is VERY difficult to find romance, because simply put it’s NOT for children. Romance is for very mature, stable, and developed adults. It is not a toy, it is not a game. It is a serious commitment between two people, who have come together for the purpose of building a life as partners.
Only those who have done the hard work to develop themselves to a certain degree of maturity can ever hope to have any real romance. Much personal development, soul searching, life experience, self reliance, and general maturity must be obtained over decades possibly in order to be worthy of romance (and yes you must be worthy). That is the price one must pay. After all, if romance is about giving then how can one have romance, if they are empty inside? If they have not invested the necessary time into filling themselves, taking responsibility for meeting their needs by their own hand?
Both fantasy and romance have their part to play in our lives, but we must develop the maturity and wisdom to understand that these are very different and separate things. What is fantasy should REMAIN fantasy, that is what it is meant to be. Romance on the other hand, waits for those who are willing to do the work in the “real world” (i.e. the physical world that exists outside of our fantasy). Romance is not about an orphan dreaming of a perfect parent who will fulfill all their needs, instead romance is about two adults recognizing that, despite all the difficulties and imperfections they both possess, they believe in each other. They won’t quit when things get hard, when the “honeymoon” is over. They are all in, giving 100% to their relationship. They are ready to take that leap of faith, together, hand in hand all the way til the end.