Trust Your Instincts

The Context

Our instincts are highly developed evolutionary features. They are not to be trivialized or discounted: they can save your life. In this specific instance they saved me from a very common (maybe the most common) mistake people make: letting the wrong person into your life. In this specific instance, I matched with a young lady from Brazil on OkCupid (see image below). At first I enjoyed reading her profile, and found it to be interesting. She sent me a message that was, in hindsight, extremely passive aggressive, but I was not immediately clear about her intention (and what my instincts were trying to tell me).

So I messaged her, engaging her on her comment, and offering my sincere appreciation for the content of her profile. But after writing a few messages, and reflecting a bit more on this person (especially what I could sense about her from her pictures), I just felt very clearly that it wasn’t in my best interest to engage further with this person. So I simply unmatched them. Keep in mind at this point she had not responded to any of my messages (only a few minutes had transpired between when I sent my messages and when I unmatched this individual). I simply went about my day, not committing anymore time to the matter, and it quickly dissolved from my memory.

A New Contact Form Submission

So you can imagine my surprise when, later that day (around 17:00 hours) and about 12 hours from when I initially messaged and then unmatched this individual, I received a new form submission. While the majority of the information was clearly rushed, they did take the time to fill out their birth nation (in this case Brazil), their current city-state (she literally wrote fk u), and also wrote me a message which I will share with you:

"So... you like someone... and you unmatch that person before they can even
read any reply? what's the point of that? why the hell did you like that person
in first place? you think you are so good, but look what you're doing... if you
dont like the person in first place, dont hit the damn like button. Geez... i'm
weird, but you're not weird, you're just a jerk. i have a notification at 5am,
and i wake up, not a conversation, cause the jerk unmatched."

"and ofc that email and everything else is not real, i just wanted to say how
awful you are."

Now, I don’t think you need to be a super sleuth (e.g. Sherlock Holmes) to know this is the same person.

Analysis

It may surprise you to know that I understand her frustration. The whole online dating experience is not exactly pleasant, even offline dating is rife with ups and downs, highs and lows. The problem though, is she is not able to really take care of herself. She is too invested in this process, and doesn’t seem capable of dealing with the instability that comes with meeting random people on the internet. And it shows: checking her messages at 5 AM, and taking the time 12 hours later to fill out the form in a desperate attempt to strike back out of vengeance.

This is not the behavior of a well-adjusted individual. She is blaming me for all her failures to protect herself, hence why she says “I just wanted to say how awful you are.” She felt so slighted that I unmatched her (she never even saw the messages I wrote) that she had to get revenge on me 12 hours later, going out of her way to fill out the contact form to satisfy her rage. This is a deeply unstable, insecure, and neurotic individual who really shouldn’t be trying to date at this point in their life. They’re only going to become MORE miserable than they already are because they are incapable of dealing with the very real turmoil that meeting random people can bring into your life.

I would strongly suggest that anyone who is this unstable and miserable in their dating life needs to step away from dating. They are not in a place to handle the serious chaos that comes from opening your life up to the outside world (e.g. meeting new people offline/online). Also, they could greatly benefit from seeking professional help, that could advise them on strategies for dealing with scenarios where they feel vulnerable or disadvantaged.

Moral

Think if I had not unmatched this individual, if I had not listened to my instincts, would I be in a better position or a worse position? I think the answer is quite obvious. The world is an increasingly chaotic place, and the chaos is only growing. In this instance the consequences of not listening to my instincts would have likely been minor (maybe just a little conversation and then simply move on when both parties are no longer interested). But what if it had been a real date in real life? What if I was alone with this person? There is so much trouble and suffering waiting for you if you make even the simplest of mistakes. You must listen to your instincts, they are never wrong. In fact your instincts are really the only thing you can trust in this increasingly insane world.