The Myth of the "Feminine Era"

Introduction

There is a common phrase that I have become familiar with, that seems to mean something to many women (including trans women) that sounds like some version of the following:

The TL;DR on the above screenshot follows:

• “I need a man to put me in my feminine”
• “I’m definitely in my masculine right now but for the right guy I’ll be feminine”

In this article we will be exploring the motivation of such statements and why ultimately they are fallacious in nature.

The Fallacy

So why is this fallacious? What exactly is the fallacy about this concept of a “feminine era.” The fundamental issue is very simple:

Dealing with your emotions is your job.

No healthy relationship involves one or both people dealing with each other’s emotions on a frequent basis. Yes sometimes people will be emotional, but we are all responsible for dealing with our emotions on our own. If we constantly bring said emotions to the other person in a relationship, then we are now taking from that person in a way that is toxic (what benefit does the other person gain from dealing with your emotions). If this happens repeatedly it will absolutely ruin the relationship, like salting the land will destroy the soil’s ability to bare life.

The Return of the Challenge Seeker

The motivation of such an individual who is seeking someone to “put them in their feminine era” is the same as the challenge seeker written about previously. In fact they are simply the same type, and are incapable of mustering the self-awareness required to make the positive change that is necessary to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. They’ve become so twisted by their unresolved emotional issues, that they are incapable of seeing how draining and toxic they are to be around. There is a tragedy in all this, because the closeness and intimacy that they so desperately crave will forever be out of their reach, always being rejected for reasons they cannot understand.

Breaking the Cycle

This challenge seeker type is ultimately trapped in a toxic cycle of hostile, antagonistic, and self-sabotaging behavior. I believe the key issue underneath all their misguided anger is simply a lack of ability to protect their self. This lack of self-protection (emotional and physical) has led to a chronic state of emotional damage, which directly causes their rampant (and undeserved) hostility. They are the proverbial “wounded animal” that none may approach. Until this individual can acquire the emotional and intellectual abilities necessary to heal their wounds and protect themselves from future threats, the cycle will continue and the relationship (that they secretly long for) will forever remain out of their reach.

Father/Boyfriend

But the reality is that breaking this toxic cycle is difficult to do, and thus this type tends to seek an external force to help them “stop” the cycle. Essentially, they are unable to bring balance to themselves internally. They are not able to “handle” themselves, which is why they are looking for something (in this case someone) to be that guiding force to “handle” them. This external force seems to take the form of an authoritative (i.e. highly masculine) male: a real man as it is quite frequently called. You can hear the exasperation in this individuals writing, resulting from the inability to find this “real man.” The irony of this all, of course, is that what they are seeking is essentially something like a “father figure” that can “put them in their place.”

But this type of “father figure” relationship really isn’t what dating is about. Dating is about finding someone to form an alliance with, built on mutual trust and respect. A collaboration where both parties are winning. It is about two adults who are looking to work together to tackle external problems. Both parties are fully responsible for their own issues. But if what you need is a “father figure” then you fundamentally are not an adult, and are not capable of forming such an “alliance.” You are not responsible for your own emotional well-being, and will be orthogonal in your ability to match a true adult who is seriously looking to date.

That is part of why they are so “exasperated”: they are looking for something where it doesn’t really exist. They are seeking snow in the desert, a place where there is no snow. In doing this they guarantee that they will never find what they are seeking. I would argue this individual should not be dating at all, and instead be seeking out a mental health professional. A trained and experienced therapist would be a much better match for what this individual needs.

Moral

I find that dating tends to attract all manner of individuals who, ironically, actually don’t want to “date” at all: they are attempting to fulfill some unmet need. In this instance that “unmet need” is literally a “fantasy” of sorts: a father figure that can “put them in their place.” Part of becoming an adult, which is required to successfully date and have a fulfilling relationship built on trust and mutual respect (i.e. an alliance), is learning how to deal with your own issues (whatever they may be). Yes, there are times we all struggle, but you have to ultimately want to deal with your own issues (and not look to others to give you what you need to give yourself). The harsh reality is that if you didn’t get the parental figure you needed, then you must become that parental figure. All these “masculine era” types exclaiming how much they want a “real man” and to be “put in their place” simply don’t understand that this “father figure” needs to come from themselves. You need to put yourself in your own place, that is actually your job.

In reality, I don’t expect that it is probable that these “masculine era” types will ever learn how to “handle” themselves. They won’t find what they truly need (including seeking out professional help), and will instead continue this toxic cycle where they don’t ever really get what they need. And they will continue to be drained, and looking for anyone that they can “feed on.” And yes, I mean “feed” because they are ultimately cannibals: other people are their food. In this case their food is that “real man” that they want to feed on. Ultimately anyone who comes across this type must completely disengage and keep a wide berth, because they are simply too lost to be anything other than your enemy. Avoid them at all costs, or they will drain you and now you will be worse off. Always remember:

The drowning man will push you down to raise themselves up.