Sometimes when you’re out on the battlefield that is modern dating (assuming you’re interested in women or “femme types” in general), you’ll run into a type of woman that I will refer to as the femmesplainer
. It’s not every woman, but given a long enough timeframe you’re going to encounter them. The main issue with this “type” of individual (that just happens to be a biological female), is that they want to “passive-aggressively” argue with you about some “viewpoint” you hold. In this article we will break down this archetype: their motive, their strategy, and how to deal with them.
This all happened on this dating app called boo, where I matched with this young woman (red hair, blue eyes, approximately 25 years old). In hindsight I realize she was already triggered (should have been obvious when she told me she “read my blog”). It seems like it was this article that set her off. Which I can appreciate, she probably isn’t accustom to hearing this kind of “direct language.”
The conversation (of course) starts off very cordial, but make no mistake, this individual’s ULTIMATE GOAL is to get you into a “discussion” about some view point that you have expressed that they “disagree with” (it offends them). They are just triggered, and they are looking to “regain” some sense of power/authority/security because they feel attacked. Any attempt to confront their emotional state (e.g. “why are you offended?”) will 100% result in any and all of the following responses:
Now these are just general examples, your specific experience will likely differ, but remember it’s NOT what someone says, it’s what they DO. What you’ll notice is that, as she tries to deny your accurate sense that she is offended (and hence emotional) she wants to continue to fixate on whatever is the topic of discussion that she wants to, again, passive-aggressively drag you deeper into (so she can get what she needs).
These types are ultimately professional time wasters. As mentioned previously, they just want to drag you into some drawn out war of attrition (masquerading as a discussion that she is “seemingly interested” in). They need to get something back from you, because they feel offended (something you said/did really struck them where they are vulnerable). Instead of simply accepting that they aren’t really compatible with you and moving on, again they will attempt to “engage” you and now try to extract some “revenge” via death by a thousand cuts.
The key thing to keep in mind here is the same lesson illustrated in this article:
trust your instincts
When someone wants to attack you “passive-aggressively” they say things that are an attack disguised as some other behavior. For example in my exchange with this femmesplainer I recall her saying something like:
Why are you still in this country?
This revealed her bad faith tactic instantly. The conversation up to the point was rather cordial, but keep in mind this individual is already triggered so how long can they really maintain this charade? Ultimately the strategy you must employ is something like scorched earth: you need to cut them instantly (i.e. cut off their access to you). Keep in mind, they only win by succeeding in wasting your time with their constant fixation on “discussing” this topic. When you realize they are triggered, and bad faith, either cut them, or dial in on what exactly hurts them and apply pressure to where they are vulnerable until they concede.
There will always be people who take issue with something about you. In this case the young woman was triggered by the blog, and was offended. She can be offended that’s completely normal and acceptable. She just needs to deal with it on her own time and not bring her emotion to me (that crosses the line). You must constantly watch for this kind of behavior in people, if you are not careful you’ll be dragged into their chaos. Listen to your instincts, they already know what it is (even before you do).